When I first met you, I had no intention of loving you. I was emotionally unavailable then, as I was still figuring out my feelings for my ex.
Then we started hanging out at the office, subtly opening each other’s lives through our little conversations and teasings. I started asking you about break ups, if it was easier for guys, if it is easier if you’re the one walking away and if it gets easier as time passes by. You patiently answered my questions and I realized then that I could talk to you until I ran out of things to talk about.
Then my ex’s birthday came and with it, I got the closure I was looking for. I decided to finally lay to rest the feelings I had for him, knowing that it can never be returned in the way I deserve.
Nine days later, you gave me instant matcha green tea because your sister just got back from Japan and because you remembered I am a fan of green tea. That was the day I realized I am starting to have feelings for you.
I used to tease you to an officemate for fun but then I started pairing you up with her in hopes that I could stop myself from liking you because I know that if I let myself, I will come to learn to love you.
However, things have a way of working itself out. No matter how I tried to ignore my feelings, I only found myself making ways to see you, talk to you, be with you. Just knowing that I will get to be with you, even for a few minutes, made me look forward to coming to work.
The more we spent time together, the more my heart decided that I want to be with you. Not just for those few moments together but for always. So when we had our office’s evaluation workshop, I took every opportunity to be with you. I volunteered to ran errands, I skipped socials night to see you and I spent every moment I could to be with you without being inappropriate or obvious about it.
Then the week after, we went on our first out-of-town trip together. I discovered a lot about you that week. I found out how caring, thoughtful and sweet you can be inspite of your strictness. I found out that you have quick reflex and that you drive defensively even when the speedometer hits 100kph. I found out that you do not talk back when your sister admonishes you. Most of all, I found out that you love me, when you whispered those words to me in the cobwebs of my sleepiness before you slept beside me, keeping me in your embrace until the sun shone through the window and my alarm woke us.
I remember asking you then about us, about our status, to put a label on this feeling we were finally brave enough to admit to each other. And that was how “we” began.
Everyday since then, I wake up with the decision that I will love you that day regardless of. And I do, I love you more than any words I can say, more than any actions I can prove. I even love you more than all the loves I gave before you. And it scares me.
It scares me to think of what will become of me if ever we decide that we are no longer working out. It scares me to think of what I will do if you ever tire of me and feel that you are settling. It scares me to think of the future without you. It scares me to think of how I will live if I ever lose you, the most important person in my life.
Yes, my insecurity is showing and I am human that way. Every time I am in a relationship I get that way. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been left twice already, both times without knowing the reason why. I think I have already gotten used to having a disagreement disintegrate the relationship. Is it me? Do I not communicate right? Am I insensitive? Am I not worth fighting for?
Amidst my insecurities and fears, you have so far shown me a glimpse of what it is like to continue loving another human even in the midst of conflict. You have made my heart feel secure that even if we have a misunderstanding, I do not immediately think that “we” are through. You are showing me that it is possible for us to get through conflicts without breaking apart. You try to understand me when my moods and feelings get the better of me. Most of all, you still say you love me even when I am acting all immature and childish.
I love you and it is the scariest thing I have ever felt. But in loving you, I also get the courage and the determination to stick it out with you, knowing that my love for you is greater than my fears and insecurities combined.