During the whole time that we were together, we only spent five nights together. The first was when you introduced me to the whole crew as your girlfriend and the other four nights was during our out-of-town trip to visit my friends in Sorsogon. And that whole five nights are bliss to me, even though all we did was sleep together.
I am not a conservative girl but I have commitment issues. If you cannot fully commit to me and to the relationship we have, then do not expect me to do more than sleep with you. But that was not the real reason why I cannot give myself physically to you.
You see, as much as I love you, I love my Creator more and I have made a vow of chastity to Him when I was 16 years old. That is the reason why most of my physical experiences were with you – my first kiss, my first sleepover without any chaperone, my first swimsuit-only dip in the beach without chaperone. I love you and I trust you and those are enough reasons for me to venture into the physical aspects of a relationship. But of all the physicalities we used to do together, sleeping with you is my favorite.
I remember how much you dislike it when I sleep with my back to you, unless we are spooning. I remember that you snore when you are already deep in sleep. I remember how you would unconsciously reach for me whenever I stray away from you on the bed.
Last Saturday night, one of my dreams came true because I got the chance to sleep with you again. No, we are not together again but yes, we are testing the waters if we could make this work out again.
So there we were, at my place, on my bed. You were already sprawled on my bed when I got into the room, sleeping. And I have not the heart to wake you up so you could move over a little to give me some room so I laid down on my side, with my back to you, to fit into the small space of the mattress available. After a few moments, you grunted so I turned around to look at you, preparing myself to attend to your needs.
“Anong kailangan mo? (“What do you need?”),” I asked you. For a while you did not answer.
“Payakap. (“Embrace me.”),” you said.
I only hesitated for a second before scooting beside you and embracing you tightly, hoping that in that small gesture you will feel how much I missed you. And how much I still care for you because that is how much I still love you.
And after I have wrapped you in my arms, you put your arm around me, with your forearms laid gently but securely on my head. With your other arm you grasped my hand and latched it on your shoulder while you intertwined your legs with mine. My head was snugly laid on top of your chest, hearing your breathing and feeling your heartbeat. I dont know if it was just my imagination but I think I felt you kiss me on my forehead when you thought I was already asleep. Being in that position limited my space for movement but I also realized something: I was securely but gently locked into your embrace in a seemingly symbolic gesture of you not letting me go again. That time, I felt my heart fall in love with you again.
I will admit that I was only half-asleep the whole time because even though we are together sleeping, I do not want to waste any moment I spent with you not being able to tune in to you. How I wish that night did not end!
But as it happens, night turns into dawn before it finally breaks into another day. I know that withthe coming day is the reality that I will have to let you go again. But it also gives me something to look forward to, because I am praying that when we hold each other in each other’s arms again, it will be on the first night of our lives together.
So for now, even though there is a fat chance that you will not get to read this, I just want to thank you for last Saturday night. Thank you for making me feel loved and cherished. Thank you for the respect you have accorded me that kept you from trying to do anything than sleep with me. Thank you for sharing yourself with me without any of your guard up. And lastly, thank you for not promising me anything that you are not ready to fulfill because have you done that, it would just cause me further heartbreak and it would definitely have ruined what we have that night.