Loving You is Honestly the Scariest Thing for Me

When I first met you, I had no intention of loving you. I was emotionally unavailable then, as I was still figuring out my feelings for my ex.

Then we started hanging out at the office, subtly opening each other’s lives through our little conversations and teasings. I started asking you about break ups, if it was easier for guys, if it is easier if you’re the one walking away and if it gets easier as time passes by. You patiently answered my questions and I realized then that I could talk to you until I ran out of things to talk about.

Then my ex’s birthday came and with it, I got the closure I was looking for. I decided to finally lay to rest the feelings I had for him, knowing that it can never be returned in the way I deserve.

Nine days later, you gave me instant matcha green tea because your sister just got back from Japan and because you remembered I am a fan of green tea. That was the day I realized I am starting to have feelings for you.

I used to tease you to an officemate for fun but then I started pairing you up with her in hopes that I could stop myself from liking you because I know that if I let myself, I will come to learn to love you.

However, things have a way of working itself out. No matter how I tried to ignore my feelings, I only found myself making ways to see you, talk to you, be with you. Just knowing that I will get to be with you, even for a few minutes, made me look forward to coming to work.

The more we spent time together, the more my heart decided that I want to be with you. Not just for those few moments together but for always. So when we had our office’s evaluation workshop, I took every opportunity to be with you. I volunteered to ran errands, I skipped socials night to see you and I spent every moment I could to be with you without being inappropriate or obvious about it.

Then the week after, we went on our first out-of-town trip together. I discovered a lot about you that week. I found out how caring, thoughtful and sweet you can be inspite of your strictness. I found out that you have quick reflex and that you drive defensively even when the speedometer hits 100kph. I found out that you do not talk back when your sister admonishes you. Most of all, I found out that you love me, when you whispered those words to me in the cobwebs of my sleepiness before you slept beside me, keeping me in your embrace until the sun shone through the window and my alarm woke us.

I remember asking you then about us, about our status, to put a label on this feeling we were finally brave enough to admit to each other. And that was how “we” began.

Everyday since then, I wake up with the decision that I will love you that day regardless of. And I do, I love you more than any words I can say, more than any actions I can prove. I even love you more than all the loves I gave before you. And it scares me.

It scares me to think of what will become of me if ever we decide that we are no longer working out. It scares me to think of what I will do if you ever tire of me and feel that you are settling. It scares me to think of the future without you. It scares me to think of how I will live if I ever lose you, the most important person in my life.

Yes, my insecurity is showing and I am human that way. Every time I am in a relationship I get that way. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been left twice already, both times without knowing the reason why. I think I have already gotten used to having a disagreement disintegrate the relationship. Is it me? Do I not communicate right? Am I insensitive? Am I not worth fighting for?

Amidst my insecurities and fears, you have so far shown me a glimpse of what it is like to continue loving another human even in the midst of conflict. You have made my heart feel secure that even if we have a misunderstanding, I do not immediately think that “we” are through. You are showing me that it is possible for us to get through conflicts without breaking apart. You try to understand me when my moods and feelings get the better of me. Most of all, you still say you love me even when I am acting all immature and childish.

I love you and it is the scariest thing I have ever felt. But in loving you, I also get the courage and the determination to stick it out with you, knowing that my love for you is greater than my fears and insecurities combined.

This Is How I Am Letting You Go

I have been moving on for some time now. And these are how I am slowly but surely letting you go:

1. I will stop checking your profile in all known social media.
2. I will stop talking about you and our memories together as a couple with my friends.
3. I will unfollow you in Facebook so that your activities will not appear in my news feed since I do not have the heart to block you.
4. I will tell our mutual friends to stop updating me about you.
5. I will even ask them not to mention your name anymore, ala Voldemort style.
6. I will spend more time doing the things I love that I put on hold while waiting for you to decide if we’re worth another chance.
7. And I will spend time trying out new things I wanted to try with you but you were reluctant to do with me.
8. I will spend time meeting new guys for friendship so I will have a wider perspective of the masculine side of things.
9. I will hangout with my girlfriends more in a clingy-girlfriend kind of way as a way of showing gratitude while they stuck it out with me when I was going through hell accepting the end of us.
10. I will spend more money on me knowing that I will appreciate every peso I will spend on me the way you never seemed to appreciate the gifts I gave you.
11. I will stay friends with your crew so that you’ll know through them that I am moving on graciously without you.
12. I will post on all my social media accounts the things and people that make me happy to remind myself that my happiness is not with you. I can make my own happiness.
13. I will attach new significance to places, things, music and people that were significant to us as a couple.
14. I will start getting fit again because I have not been consciously taking care of my body since we broke up.
15. I will put in a box everything that reminds me of you and keep it in the bottom of my cabinet where I keep my keepsakes.

Last Saturday Night

During the whole time that we were together, we only spent five nights together. The first was when you introduced me to the whole crew as your girlfriend and the other four nights was during our out-of-town trip to visit my friends in Sorsogon. And that whole five nights are bliss to me, even though all we did was sleep together.

I am not a conservative girl but I have commitment issues. If you cannot fully commit to me and to the relationship we have, then do not expect me to do more than sleep with you. But that was not the real reason why I cannot give myself physically to you.

You see, as much as I love you, I love my Creator more and I have made a vow of chastity to Him when I was 16 years old. That is the reason why most of my physical experiences were with you – my first kiss, my first sleepover without any chaperone, my first swimsuit-only dip in the beach without chaperone. I love you and I trust you and those are enough reasons for me to venture into the physical aspects of a relationship. But of all the physicalities we used to do together, sleeping with you is my favorite.

I remember how much you dislike it when I sleep with my back to you, unless we are spooning. I remember that you snore when you are already deep in sleep. I remember how you would unconsciously reach for me whenever I stray away from you on the bed.

Last Saturday night, one of my dreams came true because I got the chance to sleep with you again. No, we are not together again but yes, we are testing the waters if we could make this work out again.

So there we were, at my place, on my bed. You were already sprawled on my bed when I got into the room, sleeping. And I have not the heart to wake you up so you could move over a little to give me some room so I laid down on my side, with my back to you, to fit into the small space of the mattress available. After a few moments, you grunted so I turned around to look at you, preparing myself to attend to your needs.

“Anong kailangan mo? (“What do you need?”),” I asked you. For a while you did not answer.

“Payakap. (“Embrace me.”),” you said.

I only hesitated for a second before scooting beside you and embracing you tightly, hoping that in that small gesture you will feel how much I missed you. And how much I still care for you because that is how much I still love you.

And after I have wrapped you in my arms, you put your arm around me, with your forearms laid gently but securely on my head. With your other arm you grasped my hand and latched it on your shoulder while you intertwined your legs with mine. My head was snugly laid on top of your chest, hearing your breathing and feeling your heartbeat. I dont know if it was just my imagination but I think I felt you kiss me on my forehead when you thought I was already asleep. Being in that position limited my space for movement but I also realized something: I was securely but gently locked into your embrace in a seemingly symbolic gesture of you not letting me go again. That time, I felt my heart fall in love with you again.

I will admit that I was only half-asleep the whole time because even though we are together sleeping, I do not want to waste any moment I spent with you not being able to tune in to you. How I wish that night did not end!

But as it happens, night turns into dawn before it finally breaks into another day. I know that withthe coming day is the reality that I will have to let you go again. But it also gives me something to look forward to, because I am praying that when we hold each other in each other’s arms again, it will be on the first night of our lives together.

So for now, even though there is a fat chance that you will not get to read this, I just want to thank you for last Saturday night. Thank you for making me feel loved and cherished. Thank you for the respect you have accorded me that kept you from trying to do anything than sleep with me. Thank you for sharing yourself with me without any of your guard up. And lastly, thank you for not promising me anything that you are not ready to fulfill because have you done that, it would just cause me further heartbreak and it would definitely have ruined what we have that night.

#TOTGA

Earlier today, I was browsing your profile and I saw your latest status, which goes like this:

#totga
Syng tlga. . .
– feeling sad

And my heart went heavy, knowing that you were not referring to me, knowing that you still mean “her”. I never got to know her, not even her name. But I do know that she has made her mark in your life.

I remember last July 2014. We were still together then when I saw your status. You said that you miss her. I was broken. I thought then, “How could you still miss her after all these years? Am I not enough?”

I do not know if you still remember our discussion of it. I told you about how I felt and how it made me insecure. You told me that it was so long ago, that you are currently with me and you reminded me that you love me.

I love you and for me, it was reason enough for me to dismiss the issue. In my heart I knew that I was never going to fill the empty space in your heart that belongs to her.

And now, a year later, you still miss her. But I can feel that you miss her in a regretful-but-impossible-to-be-together-again kind of miss. And I still feel broken, even though we are still sorting out if we’re together or not again right now. But unlike last year, I will no longer be wondering how you can miss her after all these years and I won’t be thinking that I am not enough. Why? Because I know now that once you gave a part of your heart to someone, you never really get it back again even after the relationship.

And I have already resolved that I will not even try to take her place. I am me. She is she. We are two different but beautiful women who happened to love the same man. I could never be what she was to you and she could never be what I am to you.

So I will let you be sad. Grieve even if you must. Cry if you need to. Because I know that once you finally decided to let her go, it will be the end of you and her. And I will be here waiting for you, with all I am vulnerably laid out on the table, knowing that it will be the only way for me to convince you that this love I have for you is the only love you will never use #totga. For I will make sure that with me, your bruised, battered and weary heart will always have a refuge.

Red = You

Red
Is the color
Of blood
Of life
Of war
Of love
Of freedom
Of passion

You
Are alive in
My blood
Are the significance
Of my life
Are the reason
I’m keeping up this war
Are the reason
I believe in love
Are the circumstance
I’ll gladly give up my freedom
And You are the person
Who wakes up my deepest passion

Red is more than a hue
Because for me, red is you.

– Mae, 23 August 2015

This Is How A Breakup Happens Now

“Sometimes, it’s not about tearing the bandaid off. It’s just about accepting that, one way or another, it has to come off. And even if it takes a really long damn time, and it hurts and stings and pulls at every ounce of energy you have, you have to do it. You have to accept that this is your reality, that this is what breakups are like now.”

Thought Catalog

marusa.je marusa.je

The day that it’s over is never actually the day that it’s over.

Because you’re too connected. You’re too intertwined. You know each other’s families. You know each other’s friends. You know everything about each other’s lives.

And that doesn’t just stop on the day you break up. It takes days, weeks, months – sometimes years – to untangle your lives from one another. To separate your existences enough to the point where you can actually visualize the possibility of moving on without them.

The way that a breakup is supposed to happen is that on some ordinary, uneventful night, somebody decides it’s over. After weeks or even months of doubting the relationship, one or both of you decides, usually on an impulse, that today is the day to end it.

And it should be over in that moment, after you’ve hugged and cried and said goodbye.

But it’s…

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